worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
