my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
