Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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