I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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