LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
