Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
