we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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