Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
