He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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