Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
