Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
