If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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