Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
