fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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