That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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