You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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