You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
