when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
