Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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