Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
