Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
