Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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