I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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