Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
