just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
