I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
