The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
