Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
