after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
