dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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