WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
