It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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