I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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