So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
