What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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