Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
