chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
