I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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