You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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