Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
