sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
