billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
