i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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