i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
