If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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