Apparently you make a good broom.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
