She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize