Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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