So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
