So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
