Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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