Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
