I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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