What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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