she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
