Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
