I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
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You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I AM VODKA MAN
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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