I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
