Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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