Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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