I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You had me at "let me see your balls"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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