I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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